Mommy vs. Wife vs. Brooke vs. Mrs Thrall

When we forget who we truly are, we turn to external rules to define goodness and morality. 
When we no longer live from our heart, we search for cleaver strategies to guide our actions.
This is only a pretense of life.

Duty and loyalty become substitutes for our inability to love ourselves and others.Then we insist our leaders heal the suffering created by our own divided minds.
~William Martin's translation of the the Tao Te Ching



A friend had this on facebook a week or so ago and it struck a chord in me for many reasons deep impersonal and personal, but for now I write for "Brooke Time"  and am not going to get all deep about other people/politics/socially...

 I had been having thoughts long before Declan was born about how to be the best I can be in all the roles I have with the new, very important role of "Mom".  I want to be a great mom, but I don't want to only be a great mom... and maybe to some ears it sounds harsh to say that, but I know that should resonate with people too.  I don't want to forget I was a wife first to Andy and I don't want to forget who "Brooke" is.  I know I need to continue my hobbies of golf and volleyball, and working out, and going to church, though the desire to do it all 4-5 days a week has declined because I WANT to be with Declan and Andy, I am not going to let myself cut it all out because I know I wouldn't be a happy person if I didn't love myself and have a bit of me time.  

And of course this has come to the forefront of my mind right now at 6:30 am since I have been wide awake since 4:00 am with school to-do lists, housing chores before school to-do lists, family thoughts, etc. etc....  

I know some people rank first Christian/Family/Work/Self or whatever order they see for them, but I don't think ranking is for me... I want balance... at least semi-balance... because family/me slightly tip the scale over "Mrs. Thrall", I still want to be a good teacher.  And when school starts soon I know I'll be so exhausted I won't be wide awake at 4:00 am because I can't nap like I plan to today ;)

And I know there is no cut and dry system and answer (and that sucks.. cuz I like "systems" :) ) and there will just be give and take in all my roles now...  I am sad but relieved to both not be coaching volleyball this fall and I am not worried if my 31 director role requirements slip (I'll still be a consultant and sell to my customers and do some parties... but not at a level with higher sale requirements put on me) because sadly, since Declan was born, the hours in the day didn't increase to like 28-30 hours that I could just play and cuddle and spend a whole extra 4-6+ hours a day that I have been doing this summer/maternity leave.    And life and the days will just continue and I will try my best everywhere... and fail everywhere at times but I'll be ok with that... mostly ok..  as long as I live from my heart, love myself and others !